broken promises

uhhhh........


what a stunning way to announce my comeback. Indeed, nothing beats a big, noncommittal "uhhh" when one is first attempting to explain away an absence of over 8 months. actually, i fear i may be mistaken on that point, as the following seems far more suited to the task:

uhhhh........yeah.

as you can see, the "yeah" adds a much needed sense of closure to the original statement. so lets go with that one. or at least say that we did.

in any case, there is a perfectly valid excuse as to why i suddenly abandoned all of my dutiful fans. and that excuse is....i got abducted by aliens. yep. you heard me. the ol' monkeytron has seen what others have only theorized, and gone where those weak of conviction would surely fear to tread. oh, and they were scary Charlton Heston aliens too, so that makes my adventure even more harrowing. because really, who would want to come face to face with a gun-toting, alien Cheston?

of course, i should mention that the whole "alien-abduction" fiasco only took up about two weeks of my time. The rest of my little respite was occupied by sifting through the hordes of fan letters i received, all of which were lamenting my absence. begs and pleas for my return filled up my mailboxes, both online and off. and i took it upon myself to respond to each letter personally. Thats right, every one of my fans received a note handwritten by my secretary, and a glossy 8'x10' photo of my head. and no, i didn't mean to write 8"x10". screw inches, i'm talking feet here! my devotees deserve the very best, because they are the very best. awww

now, i could be wrong, but my Madame Cleo supersenses are intuiting some disbelief in the audience. i swear, every bit of my story exhibits a height of precise accurateness rarely found in cyberspace. well, except for the whole "abducted-by-aliens" spiel. that i made up. but the fanmail thats all true!! for reference, here is an e-mail sent to me by one of my followers. please note that i have never met this person before:

Dear Monkeytron,
hi, my name is uh...monkeytroff (i'm russian..yeah that's it).
i think you are SO AWESOME that i can hardly stand it.
since youve been gone, i have veritably LOST THE WILL TO LIVE,
only not literally, because that would be a total downer.
in any case, monkeytron, you are the single greatest entity to grace this earth
in the entire history of man.
Sincerely,
Monkeytroff (who is of no relation to you, in any manner).

so just to reiterate...that was an actual letter from a true blue fan. its certainly not something that i wrote myself, just now. noooooo no no no. that would be dissolute, and mildly insane. and as we all know, i strive to be more than just "insane". no, monkeytron prefers the far less pedestrian moniker of "frikin nuts". ahh, endeavoring to be the best in your field is so fulfilling.

anyhoo...i'm sure youre all wondering what the lovely miss M. has been up to during the hiatus. i promise to fill you in fully at a later point (and by "later" i mean never), but tonight i'm going to give you a little taste test of what's in store. a teaser trailer, if you will. or a Whitman's sampler. or one of those cold cut trays they serve at parties...you know, the expensive ones featuring cheese cubes and a parsley garnish.

so, the main news is that i've renamed myself both "Biff" and "Pepperidge Farms". however, seeing as how i have retained blog-anonymity with regards to my real name, this news should scarcely be of interest to you. additionally, i have fashioned an entire yahoo newsgroup about bread. its got bread stories, bread fanart, bread polls, and 12 whole members. yeehaw. i also added more scenes to my famed musical "Monkey: Geoffrey Palmer gets hit by a Bus", and umm...i got abducted by aliens. wait, i tried that one already? damnit.

in any case, i shal leave you with the profound words of a certain Ms. P. Farms:
"he who combs his beard up and over shall henceforth be known as Yettian".

goodnight all (and by all I mean me...as i'm the only one who reads this wank...muhaha)