would you care for some fruitcake with your mold?

once upon a time, when ol’ monkeytron was merely a wee lass, there was a holiday “party” held at her middle school. you know, the sort of event where all the kids sit at their desks, place some sort of food on their festively decorated napkins...and play hangman. or 7up. or they toss around a koosh ball. ahh koosh, how i miss your utterly squiggly neon strands. but i digress.

monkeytron’s teacher informed the little kiddies that she’d brought in a special treat for all to enjoy. and it was the quintessential holiday festive food. thats right folks, teach hauled a whopping brick of fruitcake to school. imagine our elation when we, innocent creatures that we were, first set eyes on the massive hunk of dough and multicolored fruit chunks. why, we couldnt wait to bite off a piece of that ol’ holiday goodness. however, the euphoria died down as the wee ones examined the slices of “cake” that had been dolled out. upon inspection, it became apparent that the fruitcake was indeed covered with mold.

yeah you heard me. teach gave us lads & lasses individually-sized slabs of mold-enveloped fruitcake. woohoo. the children wisely decided to speak up, voicing their concerns over the overly penicillin-rich cake. when confronted, the wise, astute teacher replied with the following statement: “fruitcake is supposed to be moldy”.

not so wisely, us kiddos decided to heed the words of our beloved professor. reluctantly sampling the green-tinted slices that rested on our holiday napkins, we seemed to be immediately, and collectively, struck by the poor taste. in fact, it was downright nauseating...but i will spare you further details on the subject. i will simply say that the rest of the day was spent making periodical trips to the drinking fountain. in fact, so many of the little children felt the need to continuously wash out their mouths that ol’ teach had to make a sign-up sheet for fountain visits, so as to not obstruct the hallway.

in summation, i will leave you with these wise, yoda-esque words that all would be well advised to regard:

teachers you should never trust when moldy is the fruitcake.

happy holidays folks.

bite me.

so here i am, back after a mere 2 days departure. are you surprised? because you shouldn't be...i represent the pinnacle of dedication. the height of pure devotion, if you will. and if you won't, well then you can bite me.

i feel that in the time prior to my little 8 month "freedom break" (yes, thats what ive taken to calling it now...deal with it), i became far too involved with you all. indeed, the degree of sheer closeness that we experienced was downright frightening. of course i got scared! how couldn't i have? it was all moving so fast, i needed time to breathe, to sort out my issues. ME-TIME even. because its all about MONKEYTRON here. so youd best be respecting my needs. muhahaha.

my goodness, how unseemly. in any case, all of that has been sorted out with the help of the psychiatrist wondertwins, Bernice BonWilly and Béarnaise BonWilly. Fun, ne?

anyhoo, on to more relevant matters. upon recollection, i feel that my return post was rather abysmal. indeed, the bulk of this lurvely orange blog is comprised of worthless nonsense. but that last one, gah. it crossed the border into Lameville, without a passport. how hardcore is that? at least my other posts had the courtesy to provide legal documentation when entering the territory o'Lame. that last one...its a rebel. without a cause.

now, you might all be wondering "what in the name of Bald Danny is that lass talking about?". and the answer is...(drumroll please)...who the hell knows.

HA, i got ya there! now what have we learned from this experience, children? never visit the circus of wonder expecting to find rationality? that is correct. lucidity is not on the menu here. of course, one probably shouldnt come here expecting wonderment either, nor a circus for that matter. but thats beyond the point.

so i think i'll just stop typing now. (don't look so happy about it)

a classic story to celebrate my return

there once was a woman named Franetta Franella.
she was very old (120+) and yet still strangely active.
she owned a small boy named Ianurtle Rothwilly.
this boy did Franetta's grocery shopping, and showed her guests around town.
one day, Harry Pinter and HPM met with Franetta.
Harry wore a lovely sweater with the expression "WORDS!" embroidered into it.
HPM wore plaid riding pants, a bow tie, a fez and a matching plaid eyepatch.
Franetta became bored with Harry's incessant use of the word 'intellectual', which he pronounced 'intellectoooole'.
Franetta ordered Ianurtle to show the man and monkey what the town of Heldengerble had to offer.
they all climbed on a 3-seat tricycle, and were off.somehow, they ended up at the drive-thru church on highway 765.
here, the famous actress Maggie Smith (TM) was performing her song "i am a broad", from the hit musical entitled "Monkey: Geoffrey Palmer Gets Hit by a Bus."
when she finished, Judi Dench came out, and began delivering a eulogy for Harry Pinter.
Ianurtle turned to Harry.
"i thought you were alive" Ianurtle said.
"i guess not" said Harry.
Ianurtle turned to HPM, who shrugged his monkey-shoulders.
here is an excerpt from the eulogy:
Harry Pinter was not a wise man. Harry Pinter was not a kind man. But Harry Pinter WAS a wordy man. Yes, Harry Pinter was nothing if not verbose, and if not verbose, he was nothing. WORDS EVERYWHERE, WORDS.
this continued for a good 3 hour period.
during this time, Harry decided that he would speak up.
he wanted to mention something about possibly not being dead.
however, just as Harry was about to interrupt, Pierce Brosnan arrived.
he had a pink basket in his hand.the basket was labeled, "stuff for people who liked and/or didnt actively hate Harry Pinter".
the basket was full of peanut butter cups.
suddenly, Harry sat back down.
"i thought you were going to mention being alive and all" said Ianurtle.
"screw it..." said Harry,"
...i like peanut butter cups".
THE END.

broken promises

uhhhh........


what a stunning way to announce my comeback. Indeed, nothing beats a big, noncommittal "uhhh" when one is first attempting to explain away an absence of over 8 months. actually, i fear i may be mistaken on that point, as the following seems far more suited to the task:

uhhhh........yeah.

as you can see, the "yeah" adds a much needed sense of closure to the original statement. so lets go with that one. or at least say that we did.

in any case, there is a perfectly valid excuse as to why i suddenly abandoned all of my dutiful fans. and that excuse is....i got abducted by aliens. yep. you heard me. the ol' monkeytron has seen what others have only theorized, and gone where those weak of conviction would surely fear to tread. oh, and they were scary Charlton Heston aliens too, so that makes my adventure even more harrowing. because really, who would want to come face to face with a gun-toting, alien Cheston?

of course, i should mention that the whole "alien-abduction" fiasco only took up about two weeks of my time. The rest of my little respite was occupied by sifting through the hordes of fan letters i received, all of which were lamenting my absence. begs and pleas for my return filled up my mailboxes, both online and off. and i took it upon myself to respond to each letter personally. Thats right, every one of my fans received a note handwritten by my secretary, and a glossy 8'x10' photo of my head. and no, i didn't mean to write 8"x10". screw inches, i'm talking feet here! my devotees deserve the very best, because they are the very best. awww

now, i could be wrong, but my Madame Cleo supersenses are intuiting some disbelief in the audience. i swear, every bit of my story exhibits a height of precise accurateness rarely found in cyberspace. well, except for the whole "abducted-by-aliens" spiel. that i made up. but the fanmail thats all true!! for reference, here is an e-mail sent to me by one of my followers. please note that i have never met this person before:

Dear Monkeytron,
hi, my name is uh...monkeytroff (i'm russian..yeah that's it).
i think you are SO AWESOME that i can hardly stand it.
since youve been gone, i have veritably LOST THE WILL TO LIVE,
only not literally, because that would be a total downer.
in any case, monkeytron, you are the single greatest entity to grace this earth
in the entire history of man.
Sincerely,
Monkeytroff (who is of no relation to you, in any manner).

so just to reiterate...that was an actual letter from a true blue fan. its certainly not something that i wrote myself, just now. noooooo no no no. that would be dissolute, and mildly insane. and as we all know, i strive to be more than just "insane". no, monkeytron prefers the far less pedestrian moniker of "frikin nuts". ahh, endeavoring to be the best in your field is so fulfilling.

anyhoo...i'm sure youre all wondering what the lovely miss M. has been up to during the hiatus. i promise to fill you in fully at a later point (and by "later" i mean never), but tonight i'm going to give you a little taste test of what's in store. a teaser trailer, if you will. or a Whitman's sampler. or one of those cold cut trays they serve at parties...you know, the expensive ones featuring cheese cubes and a parsley garnish.

so, the main news is that i've renamed myself both "Biff" and "Pepperidge Farms". however, seeing as how i have retained blog-anonymity with regards to my real name, this news should scarcely be of interest to you. additionally, i have fashioned an entire yahoo newsgroup about bread. its got bread stories, bread fanart, bread polls, and 12 whole members. yeehaw. i also added more scenes to my famed musical "Monkey: Geoffrey Palmer gets hit by a Bus", and umm...i got abducted by aliens. wait, i tried that one already? damnit.

in any case, i shal leave you with the profound words of a certain Ms. P. Farms:
"he who combs his beard up and over shall henceforth be known as Yettian".

goodnight all (and by all I mean me...as i'm the only one who reads this wank...muhaha)