Idol Concert Review

I am writing a recap of the concert, because I have decided that my thoughts are important.

You see, I work for a regional advertising company as an analyst. I analyze things. and advertise them. It's wonderful, but highly difficult work. Not just anyone can do it. Like you, sitting there, reading this right now...you couldn't do it. People would laugh if you even tried. My writing this is proof that I have what it takes.

My great hope is not only that you ordinary folk will enjoy my words (although most of this will be well above your heads), but also that the idols will read my in-depth analyses and epiphanously realize in which direction they should take their careers. Because I know what they should do. Because I am an analyst.

Analysis ON!

Michael:

First up was a fellow named Michael. I had never heard of him before, but he seemed happy to be there. A little too happy, perhaps. Apparently, he likes country music, oil rigging, and eating. In my expert opinion, he should stick with that. Well, maybe not so much the eating part. He's going to be a big star if he follows my advice.

Megan:

Next was a girl named Megan. She had a warbley voice that was sort of interesting. I think she should sing more, and then she might get better. I really know what I'm talking about here! She was dressed up like a 1982 Barbie doll whose right arm your little brother popped off and replaced with a GI Joe Cobra arm. She is pretty though. I believe that if Megan continues to be pretty, it will serve her career.

Scott:

Third up was Scott. Scott sings, plays the piano, and is blind. A true triple threat. However, his singing is not yet as skillful as either his piano playing or his blindness. This should be worked on.

Lil:

Next up was a lovely lady who was apparently named after a snack cake. Lil Rounds sings hip hop style music, and has a voice that's a big as her butt. Hip hop is definitely her forte. For all of you thinking that Lil should go in the direction of Joni Mitchell, you are WRONG. I'm the expert here, and I say hip hop best suits her vocal range. Also, her large posterior is far too distracting for music that's primarily lyric-based.

Anoop:

Anoop was next. He emerged from a digital rainstorm that at once sparked my thirst and filled me with me a wild urge to urinate. Good job with that one. I guess Anoop sang "You Were Always on my Mind". His memory seems to be better than mine, because I can't remember him at all. The only thing on my mind was sucking down a plastic packed Bud Light while standing in line for the ladies room. If I were Anoop, I'd work on getting better graphics. Maybe something involving fuzzy bunnies. Because everyone likes bunnies...and looking at them only rarely makes people have to pee.

Matt:

Then it was Matt. Matt sings and plays the piano. Sometimes at the same time. His piano playing is excellent, and he sings very well. However, Matt is not blind at all. This should be worked on.

GROUP NUMBER:

Finally, to close the first half, there was a group number featuring the bottom 6 and enough wildly clashing vocal styles to incite a seizure in even the most remissive of epileptics. My expert advice is that these people not start a band together.

Intermission:

Daughtry was not surprised. David Cook walked backwards. Carrie Underwood had nice teeth. Over and over again. I wanted to take a Louisville Slugger to both jumbotrons.

Allison:

After a long wait, the next contestant up was a small immigrant child named Allison. Plucked from nomadic obscurity off of a chicken truck in Mexico, Allison is a true find. Though she is only 7 years old, Allison sang Janis Joplin with the soul of a boozed-up, emphysema-riddled, brittle-hearted 45 year old. And I mean this in the best way possible. Though her singing is phenomenal, I believe that Allison's best shot at fame lies in her youth. She should not get older. If she doesn't listen to my important insider advice, she might fail. Or get old. Or both.

Danny:

Danny Gokey was up next. On the show, Danny wore glasses. He also wore glasses in person. He also sang like he'd just chewed and swallowed a pair of glasses. I guess glasses are his shtick. Well, glasses and a patented combination of hip thrusting and morality preaching. What's great about Danny is how seamlessly he alternates between clumsy "I want to do you" songs and clumsy "I wish you weren't dead" songs. That takes a lot of talent and/or schizophrenia. Personally, I can't tell which style is creepier, so I will (expertly) flip a coin and tell Danny to...get into modeling. Wait, that wasn't one of the options. This damn coin keeps making me look bad.

Adam:

Next on was a creature called Adam Lambert. He's a tall and shiny and slippery being who boasts a molecular structure similar to that of iridescent eyeshadow. I think he might sing well, but I couldn't hear him over the sound of the audience's heads collectively exploding in excitement. (I do not envy the clean-up crew). Adam cavorted around the stage, wriggling, writhing and brazenly invading the microphone stand's personal space to the point where it may need therapy later in life. However, at one point, the red-haired immigrant child came out to join him, and Adam tastefully pointed his junk away from her when thrusting. He is truly a gentleman.

I cannot say enough positive things about this man. He is phenomenal. Everything about him is amazing. Especially his feet. His feet are going to change the way we listen to music!! Oh, and the way he sings too. My expert advice to Adam is to keep singing well, and to sing songs that people like. He should also sing songs in a style people like. I know this advice sounds a little wacky, but my years of experience in the field tells me that my hunch here is spot on.

Kris:

Winner Kris Allen got much less applause than did runner-up Adam Lambert. This didn't have anything to do with people liking Adam better, though. It was only because half the audience had died from spontaneous combustion during Adam's set. Though, since Kris' act went by without a single death, or even a heart-stopping close call, I guess it's safe to assume that people did like Adam more.

The thing is, have you ever eaten a can of Spaghetti O's and meatballs? Of course you have. And when doing so, have you ever painstakingly eaten around the meatballs so you could save them for last, as they are the most awesome part? And after savoring every meatball, do you sometimes find two or three lone O's stuck to the bottom of the bowl? And you eat them, but it just isn't the same after those meatballs??

That's what watching Kris close the show is like. He is also short. These are the two main issues standing between Kris and stardom. He should work on these, though I'm not sure which problem will be easier to rectify.

Finale:

All of the contestants came out to sing one last time. What was left of the audience cheered and waved, then promptly forgot the names of every contestant but Adam, and maybe Kris, and possibly Danny, who's name they remembered by accident, as it is a very common one. Now, while the audience's minds are soft and impressionable, is the time for the idols to make their marks.

So I will close with my last golden nugget of advice. Heed it well! Idols, with hard work and a little luck (or a whole lot of luck in some cases...you know who you are), you can all be beeg eh-stars. Or at least the stars of your local Futons and More grand opening event. Hey, it's still better than the oil rig.